Daily Battles

When I was at my lowest, it was a battle to even get out of bed.  That’s a problem about living alone.  There is nothing in this world heavier or more intoxicating than covers when you’re depressed.  The release of rolling back over and ignoring the world a little longer is like a breath of fresh air.

Fortunately, my sleeping habits have improved since I went to the hospital for suicidal thoughts about a month ago.  At that time, I was sleeping about 15 hours a day.  Easily.  I would come home from work at ten at night and go straight to bed.  Then I would sleep until 1:15, in the afternoon, so I had just enough time to get up and put on, hopefully, clean scrubs, and head back to work.  That is not a life.

For better or worse, the increased book sales lately have helped my self esteem.  It has helped give me a little pep in my step and given me a push to get out of bed each morning.  It is so nice waking up in the morning and checking to see that anywhere between 15 to 20 books have sold in the last 24 hours.

It is especially uplifting because Bipolar Express is my life story.  And having so many people reading it, and hopefully learning from my missteps, further changes my perspective of what has been the darkest point in my life to date.  At my lowest, I wanted to help others find peace.

That’s what I found in the mental hospital in 2014.  I was given a mental picture of my happy place and it becomes clearer and clearer with each day.  Rocking back and forth on the water under an orange sky.  At the time, I could almost feel the water splashing up and touching my face but I was insanely doped up at the time on Ativan.

What’s funny though, it seems even more real now sitting here writing.  I’ve decided to make a sizable part of my life and energy into realizing this happy place and bringing it into my daily life.  One of my best friends, Zach Gill, is an avid kayaker.  That’s probably not the right term but oh well.  He invited me to go with him sometime in the future and I realized that it was a great opportunity to experience my happy place in a real way.

One thing that I think is interesting about my happy place is that I’m there alone.  It may sound weird, but I find that comforting.  I’m a 34 year old man who hasn’t had a relationship last longer than a Tootsie Pop and loneliness plagues me.  I think the most comforting thing about being alone in my happy place, is the peace I felt inside being there.  I felt like I was one with everything.  I felt anything but alone.

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