Daily Battles

When I was at my lowest, it was a battle to even get out of bed.  That’s a problem about living alone.  There is nothing in this world heavier or more intoxicating than covers when you’re depressed.  The release of rolling back over and ignoring the world a little longer is like a breath of fresh air.

Fortunately, my sleeping habits have improved since I went to the hospital for suicidal thoughts about a month ago.  At that time, I was sleeping about 15 hours a day.  Easily.  I would come home from work at ten at night and go straight to bed.  Then I would sleep until 1:15, in the afternoon, so I had just enough time to get up and put on, hopefully, clean scrubs, and head back to work.  That is not a life.

For better or worse, the increased book sales lately have helped my self esteem.  It has helped give me a little pep in my step and given me a push to get out of bed each morning.  It is so nice waking up in the morning and checking to see that anywhere between 15 to 20 books have sold in the last 24 hours.

It is especially uplifting because Bipolar Express is my life story.  And having so many people reading it, and hopefully learning from my missteps, further changes my perspective of what has been the darkest point in my life to date.  At my lowest, I wanted to help others find peace.

That’s what I found in the mental hospital in 2014.  I was given a mental picture of my happy place and it becomes clearer and clearer with each day.  Rocking back and forth on the water under an orange sky.  At the time, I could almost feel the water splashing up and touching my face but I was insanely doped up at the time on Ativan.

What’s funny though, it seems even more real now sitting here writing.  I’ve decided to make a sizable part of my life and energy into realizing this happy place and bringing it into my daily life.  One of my best friends, Zach Gill, is an avid kayaker.  That’s probably not the right term but oh well.  He invited me to go with him sometime in the future and I realized that it was a great opportunity to experience my happy place in a real way.

One thing that I think is interesting about my happy place is that I’m there alone.  It may sound weird, but I find that comforting.  I’m a 34 year old man who hasn’t had a relationship last longer than a Tootsie Pop and loneliness plagues me.  I think the most comforting thing about being alone in my happy place, is the peace I felt inside being there.  I felt like I was one with everything.  I felt anything but alone.

Advertisements

Since Bipolar Express..

Hey guys! My first book that I ever wrote, Bipolar Express, is starting to really take off on Audible and Amazon and I just wanted to have this blog to hopefully catch some of the people who are reading it so I can get some feedback.  BP Express is basically my life story from 1983 to 2014 when I was hospitalized for major anxiety and where I began to realize that I was bipolar.

Like I’m assuming a lot of people, I started to really question in a real way my mental health the day that Robin Williams took his own life.  I always knew that my subconscious basically ran like Robin Williams did on a late night talk show.  It was non stop one liners and jokes which were usually funny and kept me up.

Unfortunately, in the summer of 2014, that all took a dark turn and my mind started focusing on all the bad things in my life.  Friends from work could tell a drastic difference and I, of course, didn’t listen.  I ran away from my life and a girlfriend that was leaving anyway and ended up on my brother’s couch in Columbia, South Carolina.

I got worse there and it forced me to Carrollton Springs in the Dallas, Texas area.  From there, I got help and started to try and make sense of my diagnosis as Bipolar One.  As I began to digest the last year or so I began to write a blog, much like this one, and it morphed into what Bipolar Express became.

Since then I’ve written four other fictional books of varying length and quality but I’m in the process of heading back into nonfiction and delving into my present battle with depression.  Almost three weeks ago, I found myself in the hospital with suicidal thoughts and feeling right back where I was four years ago.

If anyone finds this that has read Bipolar Express or any of my other books, please contact me on Facebook at Gabriel Cougar Burt.  I would love to hear what my story has meant to you and would also love to hear your story as well!

If my life can mean one thing, I would like to lead the way in bringing mental health issues out of the darkness and into the light because problems seem so much smaller when you bring them into the light of day.  Even just recently with my suicidal thoughts, they went away as soon as I acknowledged that I was having a problem and faced them instead of letting them fester in the back of my head.

The new book is a very slow process but I’ll be glad to get it out there.  Thanks for all the support from my friends and family.  Couldn’t make it without yall!